Amy's Fanfic - Beta (Part 14)

[zan]

"It's a very sobering feeling to be up in space and realise that one's safety factor was determined by the lowest bidder on a government contract." – Alan Shepard


"You know, doctor, everything would go a whole lot smoother if you'd just bend a little," Freya said, as she and Lorne continued to make their way over to where McKay stood.

"You, no reading my mind (I think that it would be better to have the ‘you’ and ‘no reading my mind’ as two separate sentences. It reads a little smoother.) ," McKay said, glaring.

"I wasn't," Freya replied, laughing. "You're too predictable."

Turning, she began a soft conversation with Lorne, the result of which had him standing outside the circle, though still close enough to do something if anything happened.

"How did you do that?"

"I asked nicely, McKay."

"Fine, (Maybe just put ‘Just tell me’? It makes him sound a bit short.) tell me if you get anything from this," he ordered, kneeling beside one of the rocks with his computer, punching in a few keys. At that moment, a bright white light filled the circle, and when it cleared, Freya was gone. (This sounds a bit awkward to me. Maybe something like: He knelt beside one of the rocks, hands flying over the keyboard. As he entered the final command, a bright white light filled the circle. When it cleared enough to see again, Freya was gone.)


Freya saw the light come up around her, and then suddenly she was plunged into darkness.

"McKay?" she called out, and heard her voice echoing back at her. "Brendan?"

No response. :Am I alone?:

Closing her eyes, since they weren't any use to her in the dark, she reached out, trying to find another mind. Only silence answered her.

Hitting the talk button on her radio, she spoke into it. "This is McAllister, can you read me?"

A crackle, then silence again.

"Repeat, McAllister here, do you copy? Over."

Still nothing.

"Great, I'm all alone in the dark, all I need is one of those wraith (Capital W for Wraith) to pop up out of nowhere and eat me," she mumbled, speaking aloud to fight off the profound feeling of being alone.

:They do not come here,: a voice in her head told Freya.

"Who are you?"

:Why do you ask questions to which you already know the answers?:

"Where am I?"

:Home,: one voice said, and it echoed through the darkness in other voices. :Home.: :Home.: :Home.:


"What do you mean, you lost her?!" Sheppard's voice shouted over the radio.

"I mean that I turned away for a moment to run a diagnostic, and your circle kidnapped her," McKay replied. "This is not my fault!"

"I'll be there in five, Sheppard out."

As the radio crackled out, McKay looked at Lorne, who was watching with a strange expression on his face.

Lorne only looked considering, and stepped into the circle. "Do it again," he ordered.

"Are you out of your mind? I don't even know what I did in the first place!"

"It doesn't matter. If you can do it again, it should take (Take me) to where she is, right?"

"Theoretically, yes. Assuming the device didn't KILL her. You really want me to activate this and hope it does what you think it might?"

"Doctor, I'm here under Colonel Sheppard's orders to watch the woman. So you can either send me to where she is, or deal with him for not doing so."

"Fine, fine," Rodney grumbled, turning to look at the panel and his tablet pc. "But don't say I didn't warn you."

(Heh. Lorne’s nearly as sarcastic as Rodney and John. Maybe:
“With all due respect, Doctor, I’m here under Colonel Sheppard’s express orders. Those orders were to keep an eye on Ms. McAllister and to keep her safe. Now, you can either send me through to wherever she went or deal with Colonel Sheppard once he finds out I offered and you refused.”

“Fine, fine,” Rodney grumbled, turning back to the panel and studying his tablet. “Military. You’re all alike. Rush into the face of possible death with no information. Don’t say I didn’t warn you when it ends up killing you.”

“I—well, Colonel Sheppard has faith in you, Doctor McKay,” Major Lorne said dryly. “I’m sure I’ll get through in one piece.” It’s one of the only ways I can see this working. Because my instinct is to have them be more cautious (or at least have Lorne be more cautious…John is John and would rush headlong after giving McKay the five minutes to examine the machine). But I can understand you wanting to have Lorne be there for plot reasons.)


:One comes,: Freya heard a voice say, seconds before she felt the bulk of another form moving in the all-consuming darkness.

"Who's there?" she said aloud, wishing she could see.

A metallic click echoed through the empty space, and a thin beam of light lit up the area, almost blinding her. It also gave her a feeling of humiliation as it lit up a flashlight on her hip. Until that moment, the voices had seemed more important than sight, but now, she wasn't sure.

"Major Lorne," she said, softly.

"Ma'am."

:The male has a need to be with you,: a voice said.

"What?" Freya said aloud, surprised.

Lorne scanned the empty chamber, a large domed room with doorways leading off in regular intervals around the edge. It seemed unmarked and undisturbed, except for their presence.

"Ms. McAllister, is something wrong?" the major asked.

"What?" Freya repeated blankly, and (you’re going to want to add this) then shook her head, trying to clear her mind. "Sorry, they said you had to be here."

"I don't see anyone," Lorne said, dubiously.

"Neither can I," she replied, frustration in her tone. "But I sure as hell can hear them."

I like. The only issue I had with it was the part about Lorne rushing headlong into potential death with absolutely no information about what the thing is. I mean, remember the time lapse episode. They at least performed some rudimentary tests before sending a person through.